Daddy, I miss you

I don't know how will 2014 be, but it's definitely not a good start for me.

It has been almost 2 months since you left this world. I always thought that things get better as time passes. But apparently I'm wrong, completely wrong! The longer the time passes, the more I can feel your loss and the grief strikes me more often that I could even imagine!!

I miss you so much daddy.

All this happened so suddenly. I can still remember clearly the night when I received the call from mummy and aunty with the worst news ever  "Can you come back immediately? Daddy passed away in China" I was too shocked to cry at that moment.The disbelieve and sadness I felt could not be brought to words. It's just 2 days after we ended our 1 week trip in Taiwan. It's just a day after I reached India to start my new sem, my final year here. Everything was too sudden. My dad had always been a strong and healthy person. Even during our trip in Taiwan, he was still fine, nothing was wrong.

Till now I still can't believe that it's real. There's Countless time where I wish that all this was just a nightmare, just a dream. Everything will be ok, once I wake up again..The image of you hugging and sending me off  in the airport kept floating through my mind till today.

Daddy, do u know that all the memories that we had in Taiwan, the trips we had together, the photos we took together, the things that we bought together, I hardly dare to take a look or even think about them.

I've always been daddy's little girl since young. Although I'm studying in India and you're working in China, you used to call me everyday despite your busy schedule. And now, I can't pick up the phone to hear your voice on the other end. Whenever I wanted to call you and realized that you were not there anymore, it's this lag that catches me and it really hurts and sometimes it just kills me.

I wasn't there for you and this was the worst goodbye ever

You were always there for me, gave me all the best that you can. But then, I was not there by your side when you left this world. Not only this, I can't even be there when you was cremated. The time when I saw you in the airport, it's not the daddy, the person that I usually see. It's koko carrying your ashes...The moment  mummy stepped out from the departure hall and hugged me, my tears just poured down my face like a river, I couldn't control myself anymore.

A week passed, a month passed, I thought I can cope well by keeping myself busy, by keeping my mind occupied by studies and work. Initially it did work, but as time passed, it just didn't work that well anymore. The more I didn't want to think about it, the more I will think about you. I just feel like a part of me is missing. makes me feel so empty sometimes, so lost, so sad.

Even little things happening around me reminds me of you. When I was attending my senior's convocation and award day last month, the scene just reminded me of you promising to attend my convo with mummy next year. But now, it is just a dream that couldn't be realized .I can't control myself but to grief out of nowhere, out of a sudden, even when I'm attending lectures.

Daddy, I miss you terribly and this feeling gets stronger probably because it will be your birthday in 2 weeks time. Yes, my heart is bleeding, tearing apart since the day you left.  I just can;t help myself. The pain is eating me up, sometimes I just hope that my heart is numb so it wouldn't hurt anymore..

Daddy, I know that you are watching over me. I love you. I wouldn't let you down. I will complete my studies here. It's just a few more months to go and I promise you that I'll  be the little girl that you are always proud of.  Daddy , you are dearly missed